Media Pendeja

Okay, it’s time to recognize my failure. My biggest flaw. I am a terrible friend. I have come to terms with it, but it still makes me sad here and there.

When I say that I’m a bad friend, I don’t necessarily believe myself to be envious, unsupportive, or any other negative thing those bad friends usually tend to be. More than anything is that I am absent. I don’t know how to keep friendships alive because I don’t know how to keep up with people. In my head it seems logical, when someone wants to speak to me they will and when I want to speak to someone I will. But I find that I don’t ever exactly want to speak to people every day. I don’t need a daily conversation. At some point, it starts to feel forced, almost like a check-in and the awkwardness that comes with conversations seems to turn people off as well. I personally am not bothered by it, the silence or lulls in conversations because to me that seems natural. Friends aren’t always going to agree and there doesn’t always have to be something said.

With time, though, that distance makes people less warm. I guess that constant checking in does make some people feel better. I don’t know. I have one friend, and as pathetic as it’s going to look, it’s my boyfriend. We share everything. Yet, I don’t want it to be that way. He has his friend as well (not me) that he likes hanging out with. I want to be able to have my own friendships, however.

Ideally, I would also like to have friends that we both can share, but I think I need to start with myself first. How cute would a double date be?! Sorry, getting ahead of myself now. Anyway, I will try to keep better in contact with the friends who are still recognizing me as their friend. Things will be fine. I’ll put myself out there every once in a while for all of our sakes. I’m fun, I promise. Hope we can all make new friends, better the friendships we currently have and get rid of bad ones.

-IC