Hi friends,
I hope you’re doing okay.
Today I want to talk about living alone. As some of you may know, I had transitioned from living with a long-term partner to moving into my own place. The relationship I was in fizzled out and while we parted on mostly good terms, I did have to learn to be on my own.
Back in February, I packed all of my stuff and moved from my two floor house into a very tiny apartment. I took my time in moving out, those of you who know me personally are aware of the fact. Even though I knew it was the right move, it was still heartbreaking to leave a place that gave me comfort at one point. Now that I have been living alone for 6 months, it feels like the perfect time for a check-in.
In all honesty, I have loved living alone and I want to share a little bit of what I’ve learned during this experience. It has not been perfect, but it has been almost therapeutic.
I was very excited to not have to share anything. I have shared space with siblings, roommates, and partners, but walking into a room that is solely mine felt like a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind sharing my space, it even brings me joy at times, but living with other people means making compromises. You have to discuss where things go, how things look, almost as if you’re asking for permission to exist. I didn’t have to ask for permission for the first time and it was wonderful. Long showers, taking up all of the space in my bed, picking where my coffee mugs go, I got to decide every little thing. I got to play God in this little apartment.
Once the bulk of organizing was complete, I did enjoy looking for decor. Nothing crazy, I do like spunky things, but I fail to be a true maximalist. I’ve purchased things that feel like me: a colorful rug, my caterpillar couch (more to come on this), my silly magnets, a single antique side table. I found out that one of my favorite colors is orange! Now if you were to walk into my home, you would also be able to tell that orange is one of my favorite colors. Nothing fancy is here, and yet, all of my lives, past, present, and future, currently reside here. All the versions that I’ve been and will be are living in this apartment with me. How beautiful and how heartbreaking.
In this new home, I get to be my kind of messy. Most of the time, things are in their place. However, it is a one of a kind feeling to be aware of my own creation, even if it is just mess. The dishes from a meal I cooked with my own two hands, rings on the counter from my coffee in the morning, the trash bin half-full after treating myself to something, journals scattered across the living room, pens and markers in most drawers, just in case. All traces of my life, a museum of me.
A pleasant surprise from living alone, is that I feel more confident on who I want in my life. It has been such a delight to get to know myself, I like me, and I trust that I know who belongs in my circle. I am not interested in sacrificing my peace, pretending to like someone, just to look nice. It is not a fair trade. If I say I want to see someone, I mean it. I do want to leave this apartment if it means seeing people I love in their safe spaces.
Living alone might not be feasible for everyone, some might not be able to afford it, the time may have passed for others, some people might simply detest time alone. I have fallen into the group that recommends it. Try it at least once, especially if you’re young. You get to learn about what type of person you are, what you like, what you value. It is scary, but the serenity and growth is worth it.
Now, moment of truth. I do have sleepovers. I am currently seeing the love of my life, but even with that caveat, I am still in my own bed most nights. When opening my space up to him, I was able to do it at my own pace. While I do not care to go into too much detail, I did need help for the first few weeks in February. With me being weak from a medical procedure, he would come in, clean up, help me get ready, keep me company, and then take his leave. I am eternally grateful for him. He’s earned his spot beside me in all the spaces I exist in. One day, he’ll be the reason I won’t live alone anymore.
For now, I will continue to have my girl dinners, teddy bears on my bed, and a drawer just for my tampons.
If you prefer to see my posts on app, check out my substack here: https://mediapendeja.substack.com/?r=5xrvqg&utm_campaign=pub-share-checklist
-IC
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